Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
