I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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