9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
