He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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