dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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