I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
