I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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