I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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