I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
