My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize