Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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