Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
