No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
vagina is talking i cant
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
