I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
