she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
