he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
