My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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