then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
