All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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