and next time when you feel me up, do it right
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Randomize
