YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she peed on how many people?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
