I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
