on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
