So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
