his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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