Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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