Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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