So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
