So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
