i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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