she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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