dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
