life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
