I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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