Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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