I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
