Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
