just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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