There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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