I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
