Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
