I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
