just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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