I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize