found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
