I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
