your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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