idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
