there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize