my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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