I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
