U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
