Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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