When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
