woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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