You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize