Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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