How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
