I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You have to summon your inner elephant
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
