don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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