How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
