if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Last time i carry you out of a forest
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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